“Girl, how come you weren’t able to connect with him? He’s very handsome, and now becoming an internet celebrity with his engagement with that Canadian hottie, what happened?” That was the last of Janet’s questions that pissed Nene off as she drove around, pondering why Josh wouldn’t marry her despite spending public and private time, and almost 20 million naira on her. And despite his ‘boringly tedious’ writing job in which she had no interest nor contribution and their steady fights within their six-month relationship, she practically lived in his luxurious apartment to wade off girls. Expecting life-commitment and material privileges without interest and contribution to their social passions – entitlement mentality – ranks high among men’s reasons for using and dumping ladies.
Many young ladies complain about guys’ unwillingness to marry and its global use-and-dump effect on women. Use and dump is a case where someone quits a relationship after sexually or financially gaining from it. This difficulty continues despite numerous avenues for meeting men both online and offline, locally and internationally. Some ladies now adopt a cliché, ‘men are scum’, to classify men as unserious people who degrade and exploit ladies. And they get more desperate, given their rise in age and decrease in childbearing potentials. Guys blame several factors like poverty, delay in defining their lives’ goals, unemployment, and the ladies’ disloyalty, gold-digging and mostly, entitlement mentality. Economic fluxes in modern societies, mostly third-world countries, bring more excuses for young men. Even some rich young men now prefer multiple baby-mamas to having a real marriage.
According to theists, God created man and gave him the task of caring for nature. When God noticed that man was lonely, he created woman to take care of man, and by extension, all humans. So, while men are created and interested to work on objects and structures, women are created and interested to work on people. While men’s testosterone fills them with jagged energy to work the earth/ground for material productivity, women’s oestrogen fills women with compassion to nurture human beings. This could explain why more men are interested in creative sciences/technology, and more women in humanities, education or medical sciences. Yet, both men and women derive true happiness by using their respective hormones to conquer the social challenges in their areas of interest.
What men offer to the society and to women
No surviving community, country, city or state is formed, built, equipped or defended by women, and even when a woman (or group of women) leads a society by inheritance or high competence, she relies on men for production and protection. Because of their higher physical and emotional strength, men take on the more physically demanding roles for security and productivity. Thus, it primarily becomes men’s roles to form, build, defend and produce the material wealth of every society like machines, vehicles, infrastructure, weapons, gadgets, television, computers, fans, tools, buildings and other material products that constitute a people’s wealth. Men train and organize themselves to provide physically secure, conducive and equipped environment in which their women, children, elderly and associates can freely operate and blossom. And directly to their personal female partners (fiancée or wife), men owe both physical and emotional protection, provision and profession (loyal appreciation), even for their offspring.[1] So, a man’s strength is manifested in his production and its growth effect on his family and community at large.
What women offer to the society and to men
Because of their compassion and emotional intelligence, women undertake management roles for fair distribution and harmonious social relations. So, they train and organise themselves to physically and emotionally nourish, heal, inspire, critique and beautify humanity.[2] They make men’s work relevant by using men’s material products to nourish, heal, inspire and critique the society. And to their personal male partners (fiancé or husband) they owe intimate and physical support to enable men discover and attain their productive social purposes (destiny), its daily tasks and steady rewards. As competing sportsmen need advice, motivation, consolation and cheers from their coaches, men and kids need advice, motivation, consolation and cheers from women.[3] And as a coach’s effort shows in his players’ success, a queen’s glory shows in the success of her king who she nourishes, heals, inspires, critiques and fortifies. So, men value people (women) who understand, appreciate and can contribute to their lives’ passions and purposes.
Women naturally need to take care of somebody, and men naturally need to build or produce things for a community. Women need what men build to take care of people, and men need women to apply what they build or earn for greater good. Men provide the seed of life, and women carry and nurture life to become meaningful. While men build and equip houses, women domesticate them into homes for harmonious living to refresh, support and stimulate better productivity for all its inhabitants. So, both men and women need each other to have a harmonious world. And women lean more towards men who can presently or potentially provide for and protect them and their future offspring.
Causes of this friction of entitlement mentality
The friction of entitlement mentality implies the constant disagreement between men and women about their roles in a relationship and society. This friction leads to increased singleness, loneliness and depression among young people, especially the females. Some factors responsible for this friction include:
Global economic power tussle: The evolution in socio-economic structures, i.e. specialization and industrialization bended the social roles between men and women. Men create wealth by applying scientific knowledge on agricultural and mineral resources to produce useful physical items.[4] And individuals who officially own their lands, mineral resources, machines or coveted skills for more production create more wealth. Previously, men massively did production jobs[5] with physical muscle-energy, while women mostly did service jobs to use those products to render services. But modern industrial production evolved from muscle energy to mechanical energy (electricity, steam, petrol, diesel, electronics, etc.), needing less muscle-energy, to create better products and more service jobs. Also, global power-tussles bended socio-political systems for owning lands and resources in many regions, and so displaced more men from individually or communally owning their lands and resources.
Despite the evolution in production methods that require less of men’s muscles, the hormonal dispositions for men and women remains. But tactically seizing and controlling people’s lands now denies many men equitable resources for protecting and providing for their families. Now, many men struggle to fit into service-jobs where women naturally fit in. And in liberal societies, more women work in service industries to earn equally or even more than men. The social twist is that high-earning women seek male partners who earn higher or, at least, equal to them. So, this global power-tussle distorts natural values between men and women by ranking couple’s roles in a relationship based on earning. And modern ladies measure the respect they accord their male partners based on income. Some men endure such disrespectful relationships until they become economically buoyant to exit, revenge or maltreat women.
For their higher physical strength and its potential for protection, provision and profession for ladies, men expect respect from women. So, some men feel entitled to female respect, even without striving to provide or protect ladies, or when their efforts are not yielding economic fruits, especially in politically deformed societies that restrict material production. Then they feel threatened when their ladies’ financial or professional status rises above theirs through service jobs. For it only takes a woman with deep cultural values to respect her man when she rises more than him on the professional or financial ladder.
Culture of consumerism over productivity: Beautiful girls easily notice that wealthy men flock to splash gifts on them just for being beautiful. Also, some families fail to equip their beautiful daughters with the queenly skills to nurture, heal, inspire, critique and support growth in people. Instead, they fill the girls with negative pride as trophies to be won by the wealthiest, in order to enrich or sustain her family. Thus, instead of building capacity to inspire and support productive growth in their potential kings and kids, and seeking where their capacities will be relevant, they seek already-made kings and palaces to occupy. And since they have little to offer beyond external beauty, they are easily objectified or neglected in seriously productive matters.
Comparison: Hypergamy is a natural inclination in women for men with higher and stronger social and/or economic status than them. Because of this complex, women often make checklists for their ideal partners based on other people’s standards, often forgetting their peculiar environments and situations. Even after meeting good guys, they keep looking for another better/trophy guy that will rouse her competitors’ envy until the good guys leave. Then, not finding their trophy standard in the remaining men, they become rebellious and bitter. In that frustration, they start seeing dating the remaining men as settling until they are reminded by their biological clocks. And no valuable man wants to be a last option or consolation prize for any lady.
Legal structures: in response to effects of global power struggle, some countries are now making laws to protect women against men. This rises with the increase of domestic violence coming from not properly educating and engaging men to use their rough energy on productivity.[6] During divorce, these legal systems easily grant child custody to women, along with the man’s house and property[7] as upkeep. With this condition, it becomes more discouraging for men to commit to someone who can leave at divorce with half or more of their earnings. Influenced by this system, women in other countries unconsciously adopt staunch entitlement mentality to men’s property.
Managing the factors for entitlement mentality
If your child complains that his school football teammates do not value him enough or they snub him for being better, what will you do? Will you fight, insult the teammates and remove him from the team; will you train him to improve his skills to become more valuable if he lacked skills, or will you encourage him to support other students to improve if he is actually better? If women feel degraded, is it better to attack/avoid men or to increase women’s values by educating them in supportive skills, and assist men to become more productive and responsible? The world does not move on male and female sentiments, but on competence to support harmonious growth.[8] To reduce cases of use-and-dump, late marriage and the blamed entitlement mentality, women may consider few steps:
Aim to adjust socio-political systems: Machiavelli notes that kings desiring their men’s loyalty and strength must desist from their women, lands and swords.[9] Their women give them love, peace and purpose; their lands give them resources for their women and kids; and their sword enables them to protect their women and kids. Socio-political systems that deny men rights to their lands and resources deny them resources for providing and protecting their families. Such are the socio-political institutions colonialists imposed and sustain on most African communities to seize and exploit people’s lands/resources.[10] Without owning and using their resources for creating wealth as material production, men in colonially disorganized societies lack masculine-production-jobs, and thus, struggle with women to fit into service jobs with few imported products.
Without understanding the socio-political obstacles to their men’s productivity, ladies mock or compare their men with men in productive societies. Yet, mocking men’s unproductivity can only push men away from loving women and into crime and bitterness. And if they succeed in crime, they could carry out the revenge of their mockery on innocent women.
So, to promote masculine productivity and responsibility, which brings wealth to any society, women must observe the political structures in order to support social reforms for their men to have and skills access to resources for industrial production. Rather than competing to financially dominate men through service jobs, they can support reforms for individuals and communities to retrieve ownership of their resources and establish industries where men can profitably expend their jagged energy.
When more men are gainfully productive in a working society, they naturally feel responsible to provide, protect and profess love for their women, kids and the society. For no comfortable or responsibly productive family will treat their daughters (beauty of the family) as trash, or allow maltreatment of their married daughters. And no institution, NGO, government, company or group can guarantee a woman’s physical and emotional safety, privacy and wellbeing more than her own responsible and productive family. Even, when married, her husband will not maltreat her with impunity when he knows that she has a family that can defend her rights and wellbeing.
So, it becomes imperative to educate and build stronger families, cultures and societies where men can create wealth and provide security for their family and society at large. Without the political atmosphere for men to create wealth for service jobs, men will keep depreciating in value and struggling for the few imported products with ladies. So, using their energy for creating wealth betters women’s lot, both within and outside their families.
Cultivate support mentality and skills: Productive men require motivation, love, peace, fun and support, not liability nor a competitor, who is always scheming to financially or socially defeat or control them in their homes. Thus, men lean towards women who have both the intention, disposition and capacity (skills or corrigibility) to support them. It is not enough to want to help, the formal capacity to support people is vital. So, instead of attacking or hating men, feminists can increase women’s values by educating more women in productive and queenly skills. For feminism can either be a tool for enabling and harmonizing social growth by supporting men to create wealth and provide security, and women to render support services; or a tool for social destabilization by sabotaging men’s support-systems and socio-political atmosphere for productivity. Finally, no sensible man will use and dump an intellectually, skilfully, socially and emotionally supportive woman. He has more to lose by dumping or upsetting such an asset.
Defining their purpose: setting checklists based on friends’ or models’ standards occurs when people lack focus or purpose. So, instead of comparing and measuring partner-standard with other ladies, both local and foreign, ladies must define their purpose, the impact they wish to make in the world before dying. This will objectively guide them to develop both professional and queenly (supportive) skills on time before they reach desperation stages.
Support policies of merit: In free exchange societies, people earn more for being productive and supportive, than for being male or female. For wherever there is freedom, the principle of merit abounds above arbitrary seizure and allocation of people’s resources.[11] Now, several equality advocates betray advocacy by demanding privileges for one group at the expense of another. Such desires require more dictatorial governments (socialism or crony capitalism) and weak people who will depend on government’s seizure and reallocation of people’s resources. Such practice discourages growth and cordial relationship, and increases hostility between different groups in a society. To reduce this fear, sincere women can advocate for policies to educate more women to earn from being productive and supportive, instead of demanding extra rights and privileges just for being women. Then women can equitably qualify, aspire, contest or negotiate for what they want by evaluating their competence and roles in social growth and harmony, not just being man or woman.
The mentality of being oppressed and entitled to extra privileges self-sabotages women by mentally discouraging them from fully developing their competence to support harmonious social growth. It blinds them from seeing that more men suffer deprivation in tyrannical and unproductive societies, thus creating more hostility for women. And by aiming to compete with men on power and money in dictatorial societies, instead of collaborating and supporting men to form free and productive societies, they set themselves up for unhappiness and loneliness. A queen’s role and glory are found in supporting her king to greatness and her palace to prosperity and peace, not in comparing her privileges with that of her king.
[1] Steve Harvey, Think like a man, act like a woman
[2] Cf. Queen Margery to High Sparrow, Game of Thrones, season 6, episode 7
[3] Southpaw, The movie (Kurt Sutter), directed by Antoine Fuqua, New York, 20th July, 2015
[4] Cf. Walter Rodney, How Europe underdeveloped Africa, 2009 edition (Abuja: Panaf press, 2009), p.23
[5] Production jobs involve the 3 stages of production: extraction, refining and distributing material products
[6] Chukwunwike Enekwechi, “Domestic violence and the definition of personhood in Nigeria” in Restartnaija. https://restartnaija.com/2019/06/04/domestic-violence-and-definition-of-personhood-in-nigeria/ retrieved 4th May, 2020.
[7] “Emmanuel Eboue loses life savings, properties to wife following bitter divorce” in Vanguard, December 24, 2017. www.vanguardngr.com/2017/12/emmanuel-eboue-loses-life-savings-properties-wife-following-bitter-divorce/
[8] Chukwunwike Enekwechi, “Growing a victory mentality from victimization” in Restartnaija. https://restartnaija.com/2019/11/05/growing-victory-mentality-victimization/ retrieved 4th May, 2020.
[9] Niccolo Machiavelli, The Prince, translated by C. E. Detmold (London: Woodsworth Ltd., 1997), pp 70-71
[10] Nigerian instance, 29th March 1978, Land Use Act., and Nigerian Mineral and Mining Act
[11] Milton Friedman, Case against equal pay for work, https://youtu.be/hsIpQ7YguGE
“…instead of attacking or hating men, feminists can increase women’s values by educating more women in productive and queenly skills.” That is important. It makes this piece a nice work.
Feminists, really, need to accept that they can’t meet the equality they seek. Equity could be served. There is reason(s) behind the Primordial Creator’s creation of two different genders. The Christian Bible mentions that the female gender was made possible with some part of the male gender serving as an aid to life. This could mean that the female existed, only because there was a male. In a sense, she completes the male or say she’s supposed to be with the male because she’s the missing part of the male. In order words, the male needs the female.
There can’t be the same responsibilities for both. Of course, they should have separate responsibilities without quarrels, but what the world has developed into, is a fight for the female to be equal to the male. Unfortunately, not until the is a second creation, would that struggle be successful. By then, the Creator would have returned to the drawing board with the intention to eliminate the cause of the fight for gender equality. Maybe by then, He would even be creating one gender which houses both genders and their features.
However, I would like to state that the seemingly care given by the female, is not one sided. As a part of this piece mentions, in many other ways, the male serves as a care giver as well. A take home is “in the Creator’s mind, there are purposes for the existence of two genders, namely, male and female”
Put differently, in the current world we all know of, the female gender has painted itself cheap. Oh. It isn’t just that, the female gender has become a mere tool for the male gender. Put differently, it has even lost the original purpose of its creation. It has lost its responsibilities. To say more, the female gender seems lost, and what it does now, is to find itself.
Can this world start again?
Every creation has its uniqueness.
Among men, there is no equality. What category or level of men, therefore, does feminism hopes to meet? The feminist movement isn’t a total mistake. However, the females, by their own hands and voices, and through how they live, sell themselves as a “weak” human version. Had she accepted her responsibilities than comparing herself to the male gender, she would avoid causing some headaches for herself and the world.
The male gender needs to recognize his roles and nature, and that of the female gender, anyway, to ensure a smooth existence and to avoid such movement as Feminism.
Thank you so much for this dimensional clarification. It is about recognizing and playing one’s roles effectively for a better society.